Mom Always Liked You Better! What is Sibling Rivalry and Why Does it Exist?

Since the dawn of time, siblings have been measuring who is the true apple of their parents' eye. Unless, of course, you are an only child and then society will accuse you of "only child syndrome"; but that's another post. We are forever looking to label people in order to understand the why's of it all and when it comes to the topic of families, we (siblings, parents, extended family members) tend to ask ourselves why is there a "favored" child versus the one who "gets into trouble all of the time." In other words, why do you love that sibling more than you love me? Is that even possible? To love one child more than another? The short answer...no. Are there times when one child will test your ability to remain calm and patient? Of course! Put the guilt wand away...you're human. It's OK. But back to sibling rivalry.

All children experience this feeling of jealousy. That green eyed monster who creeps up into our thoughts and tells us that the other sibling is getting more attention/respect/love will remain a part of us until we recognize what this all about. Sibling rivalry is merely jealousy and jealousy is a wasteful, human created emotion. We can define this ugly feeling as the perception of a threat to a bond/relationship one has with another (parent) that is brought on by a third party (sibling). These emotions of helplessness, anger, fear, and possessiveness can be damaging to the child, the parent, and the sibling. It can lead to feelings of self-esteem issues and confusion as to "why" the child is feeling this way as well as having an impact on the family as a unit. Why does it happen?

All children struggle with rivalry. Some studies point to the oldest child all of a sudden realizing they are no longer the "only show in town." When a child is no longer able to have their parent(s) to themselves, they will blame the newcomer in the household. Since children struggle with sharing, this would seem inevitable. And it is. However, there are ways to mitigate this feeling:

-If the younger child is through your own pregnancy (versus adoption), talk to your older child about the impending birth. Reviewing the prospect of being a "big brother/sister"; if the child is being adopted, keep the older sibling up to date as the time nears to "Gotcha Day"

-Involve the older child with planning the nursery; perhaps even ask the child to "donate" a stuffed animal to the room to add a personal touch

-Bring the older child to the hospital following the birth to meet their new sibling

-Involving the older sibling in the day-to-day activities (ex. diapering, bathing) can help the older child feel involved with their new family member

-Validate their feelings. "Sometimes being the oldest can be challenging. You're a really good brother/sister. Don't ever forget that."

-As the children age, keep validating. This doesn't involve taking sides. It is more about the child feeling heard. All kids want that.

Sibling rivalry can be exhausting for parents but dialoguing through the years is your best bet. You can't "take those feelings away" from a child but if you continue to validate and allow your children to say how they really feel, the jealousy mask will begin to slip. Children (not matter how old) will then understand that you are a parent who values their feelings and the relationship you have cultivated.